Rookie Seasoning
Written By Richard D. Ginsburg
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How does a child succeed at sports? By having fun. What about training and discipline? That's what the parents need.
A few months ago, as my 2-year-old and I were tossing a Nerf football back and forth in the yard, he let fly a perfect spiral pass. I'm not exaggerating (much). My pride was almost too big to contain. Not many kids his age can throw the ball with such a nice, tight spin on it, I thought. He's really coordinated. Must be gifted.
Visions of the boy's decorated college career rushed into my head. A two-sport athlete, Big Man on Campus, he was destined to become Mr. All-American. The only question: Would his two sports be soccer and lacrosse, the ones I played in college 150 years ago? Or would he be a Division 1 gymnast like his mother? Then I caught myself — Teddy wasn't even Big Man in Preschool yet.
I've worked with lots of children in my practice as a clinical psychologist specializing in sports. I've seen the damage done when parents heap their own dreams and expectations on their kids. Yet here I was experiencing it from the parents' side. The excitement of seeing my son throw like a pro had distracted me from the simple pleasure of playing with him in the backyard. My naive fatherly fantasy — me, the dad of a future all-star? — had violated a major tenet of healthy sports parenting: The game is not about us, it's about them.
If you're sitting there saying, "Duh," wait until you're the parent the game is not about. It's so easy to get swept up in the home runs, goals, and touchdowns that you lose sight of what's really important for a young child: the physical exercise, the fresh air, the parent-and-child time, and, oh yeah, the fun. So rather than let things spiral out of control in my backyard, I've begun regularly reminding myself of a few things.
1. Our Dreams Are Not Our Children's Dreams
We have such a strong connection with our children that at times it's as if we're the ones out there on the field. When they strike out, we strike out. When they make a great catch, we feel the same excitement we would if we'd made the catch ourselves. This may seem innocent and even sweet, but it can make our kids feel crowded and self-conscious.
I remember meeting with a girl I'll call Sally who, as she approached her fifth birthday, had been playing tennis for a year and was showing promise. Her father was rushing home from work every afternoon to practice with her or take her to lessons or matches. This puzzled Sally's mother, who had never known her husband to be interested in sports. The mom suspected that Sally was hitting balls with her father because it was important to him, not her. It wasn't until Sally said she wanted to quit tennis lessons that her father backed off.
Sally's dad wasn't the first parent to learn the hard way about trying to squeeze into his kid's tennis shoes. Living vicariously through our children is a common stumbling block for grown-ups, rooted in a time long before we were grown up. Think back to third grade kickball. Any emotions still tugging at you? When Sally's father was a kid, he could only envy those who were good at sports. Now he had a daughter who looked like she could really play, and he was ready to do whatever it took to refine her serve and volley.
How can we keep ourselves from weighing our kids down with expectations? Becoming aware of unresolved feelings is a good start. And it's not a bad idea to let your spouse in on any deeply buried vulnerabilities that may creep into parenting decisions. Of course, you have to trust that your beloved confidant won't bring up kickball at the next family reunion.
Next page: At what age do kids understand competition?
