Jennifer: What Colic's Really Like
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Wondertime's interview with Jennifer, mom of twin girls Riley and Sydney, (all shown left) who were 10 weeks old at the time.
Wondertime: How old were your girls when they started acting colicky?
Probably about 1 month is when they started getting real fussy, and we couldn't figure out what was going on.
Wondertime: Did they start at the same time?
Within a day or two of each other, they sure did.
Wondertime: And what did you do?
Called the doctor constantly. We tried so many different things. Both girls are on breast milk, so of course we played the game where, well, maybe we need to give them more, so we're going to fortify with a little bit of formula. That didn't work. And then we tried a little bit of cereal in the bottle, and that didn't work. We tried, maybe they're allergic to something, so we switched off breast milk to pure formula. That didn't work. We just played the whole game of "Let's try everything humanly possible to figure out what's going to make these babies happy." Of course nothing ever did.
Wondertime: What were your experiences with their doctors like during all this? For example, I spoke to one mom who said it really helps if their doctor has had colicky children of his or her own.
True. I would say that's very true. I mean, I like my pediatrician a lot, but we pretty much hit a brick wall. It was all, "They'll grow out of this. You're just going to have to kind of live with it. Walk them. Drive them around in the car." It really is very difficult to get an answer as to why it's happening, what you can do about it. And unfortunately my pediatrician is very conservative when it comes to trying to medicate for things like reflux, so they felt like that was a last, last, last resort. Pretty much they wanted me to live with it as long as I could.
And finally we were able to convince them to try some reflux medicine, which ended up not working out anyway, and that put us in Dr. Vartabedian's hands. It was probably a good month and a half of going back and forth to the pediatrician. Does she have a stomach virus? Does she have colic, quote-unquote? What's going on? Weekends of vomiting, going to the emergency room and them saying, "There's nothing wrong with her, she probably just has a 24-hour bug." None of these things were really what was happening, and nothing really helped.
It was very frustrating to go through it, especially as a first-time parent. Not knowing what's normal, what's not normal, and to have people tell you, "This is normal." I'm sorry, if your child is screaming out in pain, that's not normal. I mean, you feel like you're the one that something's wrong with, because the way that the doctors act, it's just like it's no big deal. And here you are as a parent going, "This cannot possibly be normal." It's extremely frustrating. Until I got to Dr. Vartabedian, it got to the point where my husband and I were screaming at each other because we were so frustrated. Neither one of us could figure out what was going on, and, you know, you play the blame game: Did you do something, did I do something, are we too worried about it, are we causing this? It's a nightmare, it's really a nightmare. Wondertime: So does one baby set the other off? Are they crying all day, or do they have patterns?
They have patterns, they sure do. It's usually at evening time. They go through the whole day, and they have their moments, but for the most part they can get through it. But it starts to get that time in the evening where everybody's tired. You've had a long day, you're exhausted. They're exhausted, and they don't know what else to do to release that kind of stress they've been under. And so they just tend to cry. It's usually early evening. They go about 5 at night till 11 or 12 at night, pretty much inconsolable. So, you know, you try a lot of things. Unfortunately when we first started going through it, my kids were too small for bouncy seats and their swings, because they were so premature. They only weighed like 6 pounds. You can't really put a 6-pound baby in a swing; they're only going to fall out of it. But now that they're bigger, they're growing out of the non-stop crying because they've hit that magical 3-month mark. So when they do get fussy it's much easier to use the swing. I mean, people call them Neglect-O-Matics, but I'm telling you what, there's something very soothing to a baby about being rocked or vibrated. And so now that they're big enough, we have these tools that do help.
But at the time, you don't know what to do and all you're doing is walking, and bouncing. My kids hated being swaddled, some kids love being swaddled, mine hated being swaddled. You're just very frustrated, and yes, one would sometimes set the other off. With twins that kind of happens, if one really gets miserable the other really can feel that. It's like the tension in the house, they feel it from you — it's just an ongoing thing.
Wondertime: Are there products in particular that have really worked for you?
We went back to 100% breast milk. Which, I'm telling you, even with twins — a lot of moms say, "Oh, I couldn't possibly breastfeed twins," well we express milk. We don't actually breastfeed, because yes, it is very difficult to do that and take the time to do that. But I will tell you that going back to breast milk really, really helped, because a lot of the problem is the babies have stomach pain. So obviously, unless they have some kind of severe allergic reaction to milk, or something you're eating, there's nothing better than breast milk for their digestion. And then, of course yes, as far as products I could kiss the Graco and Fisher-Price people, because they definitely have saved us many, many times. We have two swings — with twins of course people say you don't need two of everything, just get one, they'll share — whatever, forget it, we have two swings, we have two of everything. As a matter of fact, right now as I'm talking to you, you hear the house is quiet, they're both sleeping, both sleeping in their swings. It doesn't last long, you can get an hour or so in there. I'm telling you, the people who make bouncy seats and swings, they're awesome people. They're definitely awesome people. That's why there's such a good market for it. Wondertime: Do you have any tips for, when they're just crying and crying and you're at your wit's end, how you keep from going insane?
You know, to be perfectly honest with you, there were many times I just cried with them. I was just so frustrated, so overwhelmed as a new mom. And you're so hormonal, you don't really have an outlet. You call the doctors and you feel like not only are you an idiot for calling for the tenth time today, but also they just keep telling you everything's fine.
I was very lucky that a friend of mine had twin boys two weeks after I had my girls, so of course other moms are wonderful if they've been through the experience like you have. Multiple moms tend to be more of a tight group than just your average singleton moms, because we have this kind of fellowship that we're going through, this crazy houseful of baby kind of thing. So it's kind of nice to be able to call and talk to another mom. But I would say try to find someone who's empathetic, or is going through it. And that helps, to talk it out. A lot of times you just need to release the stress.
My husband went back to work when they were 1 month, and it was right at the time that this all got really bad. He works nights, and I would be home at night alone with them, which of course was the worst time. When he would come home in the morning I would just say, "Look, I need a few hours," and I would leave him with them. I would go and I would run errands, or do whatever I needed to do to get out of the house. And that's the biggest thing: You have to have some time, whether it's just to take a shower, or get out and grocery shop or something. It sounds like the most mundane things. But to be able to do it away from those babies — I mean, you've got to give yourself some time. If you're 24/7 in the middle of it you will drive yourself insane.
The other thing is, like I said, sometimes I would just need to cry. I would say, everybody that I've talked to who was honest about it said the same thing: "Oh, yeah, I would find myself crying along with them." And that's the thing, you have to release the stress. You just have to.
Wondertime: You mentioned that it helps to talk to other moms who've been through it, but what about moms who haven't been through it? Are they dismissive, sympathetic, or well-meaning but clueless?
I would say well-meaning but clueless is a really good way to sum it up. A lot of times people will give you a lot of advice. You just have to learn to — because at first you want to argue every point, "No, I've tried that, no, we've done that, no, my doctor says this" — it's not worth the breath that it takes. Just say, "Okay, thank you, yes, we might try that." You just kind of have to, because they don't know. The worst thing is — thank goodness it didn't happen with us, because with twins, especially with premature twins, we weren't really going anywhere — a lot of times you hear of moms that are out in public and their kids are just wailing, and people are all like "Oh, you need to do this, oh, you need to do this." You feel so bad because here's your kid, and you know there's nothing you can do to soothe them, but all these people look at you like, my God, you're such a terrible mom.
I have a friend right now who also had a singleton two weeks after my girls, and was telling me the other day, "Oh, yeah, we do bath and bottle into bed. She sleeps through the night. She sleeps from about 9 o'clock till about 6 o'clock." And I'm like, you know, I just hate you. There are moms that are never going to have to go through what I've gone through, will never understand it. They probably think, "Oh, well, if you just got a routine, or if you just did this, or if just you did that ..."
You have to know in your own heart that you love your children, and you're going to do what's best for your children. No matter what anybody else thinks or says, you know you're doing your best. And you can't be overly critical, because once you start doing that to yourself, it's just going to make the whole situation worse. You're going to be like, "I'm a failure as a mom," and then it's harder to cope with them. You just have to rally those kinds of people around you who are going to support you.
The biggest thing, I think, is to be an advocate for your child. If we hadn't found Dr. Vartabedian, we would be going through the same loop and loop and loop over and over again. It was really, really awesome that we found him. One, they did put one of my daughters on medicine for reflux, which has significantly cut down in her pain. It's really, really helped. Two, we actually found a doctor that validates what's going on, and how you feel about it. That's a huge thing, to be validated. Because people and doctors will be like, "Oh it's colic, you'll just have to live with it." Or "You're just a terrible parent." Or "You're a lunatic for calling 50 times." You get a lot of that, so Dr. Vartabedian, definitely, I would say, is a godsend.
As a matter of fact, I've chatted online with another group of moms that had all gone through fertility treatment at the same time as I had, and we all had babies within a month of each other. Never met, but chatted online, which is really fun. And one of those moms was going through this with her single baby, and I told her about Dr. Vartabedian's website (colicsolved.com). She went on it, ordered his book, and she emails me something like, "Oh, my God, are you so lucky, I would do anything to bring my baby down to see Dr. Vartabedian. This book is so awesome, we're going to try this and this. I'm going to go to my doctor and talk about getting on medicine."
Not only is it a common problem, but you hit a brick wall when you don't get the right doctor with the right knowledge for something like this. Really, I mean I can't say enough good things about him. He really was a lifesaver for us. I can't even imagine having gotten through this to this point, where now we are actually sleeping 5 hours at night. Which is "Woohoo!" So it's like, oh, my God, it only took 3 months.
Wondertime: Is there anything else you'd like to add, advice for other moms who are going through this?
Don't give up. Really be an advocate for your child. Know that as a parent, especially as a mother, you have instincts as to what's okay and what's not okay for your child. That's the biggest thing. Like I said, I knew my children, this was not normal, that they were in pain, that something was wrong. And I wouldn't take no for an answer. That's the thing: You just can't.
And then you will finally come to that person — we were so lucky, you know — that says, "Yes, you're not crazy, yes, this is not normal. Not all babies do this, but there are some things we can do without having to put them through 50 million changes in formula and 50 million changes in this and that and you know, testing and whatnot."
You just have to reach out, and if you don't like the answers you get from one doctor, go to another. Unfortunately, that's the thing about medicine; it's not an exact science all the time, and they're learning new things every day. Pediatric gastroenterology is a newer field; they're learning more about baby reflux. It's not something I would say has been really explored in the past 30 years or so, and it's really coming to the forefront now. Hey, maybe this isn't just this old-colic-no-explanation thing. So that's the biggest thing. Keep pursuing until you find an answer that you feel comfortable with. That's the best advice I can give.
