Rebecca: What Colic's Really Like
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Wondertime's interview with Rebecca, mother of Jill, (both shown left) who was 2 1/2 months old at the time.
Wondertime: How old was Jill when she started acting colicky?
Right from the first week. She had to be held constantly. My grandmother flew down from Connecticut and basically held her on the couch for three weeks until we brought her to the doctor and said, "What's going on here?"
She wouldn't sleep. You'd put her down and within 15 minutes she was awake and crying. We split the shift up because her great-grandmother didn't want to let go during the day. I had the graveyard shift. And at night she would wake up and I would feed her and she wouldn't sleep in her basket. I had to actually sleep sitting up in bed. For the first month. All night.
And we tried different things. I finally got her to sleep for about three days on the changing pad: I sat that in between my husband and me, and just kind of put my face on the changing pad so she could feel me. For three days she was fine, and then she wouldn't do that anymore. And so I had to sleep sitting up.
She finally started to get a little bit better at night. I think she started sleeping a lot at night because she was so exhausted during the day, because she never took naps. Never ever. Maybe two 15- to 20-minute naps per day, which is not near what a newborn needs.
Wondertime: And you need your sleep too!
Yeah, because I have a 3-1/2-year-old. It was really hard with my son Maxwell, because he needed my attention as well. I think that between the two of them that tore me up the most, because I knew Jill would eventually grow out of the colic, but Maxwell had been number 1 in our lives for 3 1/2 years.
As a parent, when you have a second child, you feel that you're more ready, you're more excited, you're not so nervous because you know what to expect. You think, "Oh, this is going to be great. This time I'm going to enjoy it more."
Maxwell had a milk allergy, so he cried the first five weeks, for like 8 to 10 hours a day. So, with Jill, I thought, This is going to be great. And then it turned out that it wasn't so great. When you have another child that you have to worry about, it's not like you can really sit on the couch all day. That's what I was doing, literally sitting on the couch all day, just holding her because she wouldn't sleep. It was very, very difficult.
It's gotten a lot better. I'm finding different ways to soothe her, and all through it, she's really got a good personality, she's very funny, and she's very happy despite all of it when she feels good. It's been an interesting experience.
Wondertime: What have your experiences with her doctors been like?
Very helpful. Our doctor isn't a pediatrician. He's a family practice doctor. He has three boys, and he's been through everything that I've been through, not just with Jill but with Maxwell. He's very quick to try to find remedies, "Let's try this and let's try that," as opposed to saying "Hey, just wait it out." He's been very, very helpful.
The doctor that was assigned to us in the hospital when we had Jill is a pediatrician in the practice where our doctor is. He was very conservative. We thought Jill had a milk allergy, so I went from breastfeeding her to putting her on hypoallergenic formula, because we had gone through that with Maxwell with the milk allergy. We didn't want to go five, six, seven weeks trying to be a hero by breastfeeding, so we switched her to Nutramigen, and he was very down on that.
And I'm like, no, you know what, I'm going back to my family practice doctor because this guy [the pediatrician] has a 3-month old baby that's perfect. She sleeps, she doesn't cry, she doesn't have any issues. He just doesn't get it. He's book smart, but he just doesn't understand reality, in my opinion.
So I went back to our family practice doctor. And he said it could be from acid reflux, it could be the colic and the acid reflux. We tried different things, he was very helpful, and Dr. Vartabedian was very helpful as well. Very energetic, very "Let's try to correct this, let's see what we can do."
When we were at the Wondertime photo shoot, Dr. Vartabedian gave me his business card with his cell phone number on it. He gave it to other mothers at the photo shoot as well. I thought that was incredible, because a doctor has never done that for us before. And I did, I called him on a Monday morning. I said, "I hate to bother you." And he said, "It's no problem, that's why I gave you my number."
So the doctors that I've experienced were great, aside from the pediatrician, and that wasn't so much a bad experience. Like I said, he has a perfect daughter right now that doesn't experience any issues that we've experienced, and was just a little too conservative for us.
And I guarantee that had I gone to him about even the milk allergy, that he would've said, "Oh, no, no, no, no, let's just keep going and keep going and keep going, or the acid reflux, no, no, let's not put her on medication."
I'm very, very happy with our family practice doctor and Dr. Vartabedian. So, we've had some good experiences.
Wondertime: I've heard that from other parents, too; it seems that the empathy doesn't really set in unless the doctor has actually gone through it in his or her own life.
Yeah, our family practice doctor, I believe all three of his kids had acid reflux. One of his kids, one of his boys, had a milk allergy. At five weeks with Maxwell, I called him back and said, "Something is not right." I mean, if this is motherhood, Calgon take me away, because this is not what I signed up for. I was spooked. And he said, take him off the breast, put him on Nutramigen. If you notice the difference right away, he's got a milk allergy.
Within three hours, he was 80 percent a new child. It was incredible. And I called him back, and I said, "He's a new child. His legs aren't scrunched up to his chest, he's not crying as much."
And my doctor said, "Well, you have two choices. You can continue breastfeeding and give up all dairy. Or you can keep him on Nutramigen. It's your choice. Whatever you want to do is fine. I fought giving up the breastfeeding and tried to give up dairy, and I just became very, very paranoid about what I put in my mouth. Which isn't healthy for me. So I said, You know what, it's not worth it, and so I went right to the formula.
My doctor is very cautious. He explains things. He wouldn't do anything to his patients that he wouldn't do to his own kids. And that's what I love about him.
And Dr. Vartabedian, I think I called him like five times. My husband, who's a physician, called him one day. "We're so sorry to disturb you, but she has this rash." And he just sat with us on the phone, and talked us through things, and said, "Make sure you call me back at the end of the week and let me know what's going on."
So it's actually been a really, really good experience. I didn't know bad experiences could be turned into good experiences as well, but it has, it has. So we're fortunate.
Wondertime: Do you have any stories about your interactions with parents who have babies who aren't colicky? Are they sympathetic, or dismissive, or well-meaning but clueless ...
They're clueless in a way. But I mean, you really hate to complain. Because going to Texas Children's Hospital, and being in the waiting room at Dr. Vartabedian's office, it kind of puts things in perspective. There's a lot of kids there that have other problems that probably aren't ever going to get fixed.
And you know that your daughter will eventually grow out of what she's going through. She doesn't have any long-term issues, so to speak. And so you kind of walk out of there going, "God, it's just colic." You kind of feel guilty about complaining about what you're going through.
But when you do talk to mothers that have a child that's not going through that, they can't really fathom it. They're like, "God, I can't imagine." They really don't have a clue. It's kind of like trying to say to a person that's not a mother, or explaining to a pregnant woman what to expect with motherhood — you can never prepare yourself until you're in that situation. And so, it's really hard to talk about it to people that haven't gone through it. Because they're not really going to understand.
Or they'll call you up and go, "God, my newborn is just great. I hate to tell you this, but my newborn is sleeping, and eating, and not crying, and takes a pacifier." (Jill won't take a pacifier, so when she cries, it's just full-blown crying.)
At first I was angry because I was like, "Well, number one, I want you to call me and tell me that your child is doing fantastic, because I would never wish upon you what I'm going through." And yet, I'm angry that they started out the conversation that way.
But I guess there are people out there that are angry that other parents have normal kids that are doing normal things as a newborn, whereas mine isn't. And so, you kind of get angry, but then you're like, well, they just don't understand.
They feel bad saying, "Hey, everything's great on my end." And so you kind of almost feel sympathy for them as well, because you feel like you're almost putting them in a bind.
I'm just kind of like, we're going to ride it out, we'll get through it. We'll come out of the cave. And I've run into parents whose kids have had colic and acid reflux and milk allergies and didn't get through it until 11 months. Or they had the projectile vomit, or didn't get onto medication until they were 4 or 5 months old. Or their child doesn't sleep. Jill at least sleeps through the night; she'll just get up once for feeding, but that's because she's so exhausted during the day. Some of these kids are up all night, and so you just have to put things in perspective and kind of live your own reality, I think. You know, this is what I'm dealt with. Some people have it worse and some people have it better. I'm just going to deal with what's been dealt to me, and get through it.
It's not that it's easy. I've sat in the dining room and cried hysterically, saying, "I don't know if I can do this. This really stinks." And it stinks more for me, because I have another child that I have to deal with and I have to be spot-on with.
You get frustrated, and then you kind of pick yourself up, and move forward. And I guess sometimes you do need to cry. Get it out, you know, and that kind of ramps you up for the next episode.
And you run across a lot of different reactions from mothers. I've learned to brush aside the people that are kind of cold or dismissive, and say, well, it would be a different story if they were going through it. Just like the pediatrician. You know, he doesn't get it. He just doesn't get it. And some people just aren't going to get it or will never be what you need them to be because they haven't experienced it. That's what I've found.
Wondertime: You've talked about the dismissive people, but have you had to fend off any overzealous people who haven't been through it but who are convinced they know the way to fix the problem?
One night, Jill was just on fire, so to speak, and would just not go down. And my husband, being a physician, said, "Let's just give her a little baby splash of Benadryl to calm her down so that she sleeps, because this is out of control."
And my family's like, "Oh my God, what did he do?"
And I'm like, "He's a physician, he knows what he's doing. We're not drugging our daughter, we're just trying to get her to get some sleep, to calm her down a little bit" — it had been four days since she actually closed her eyes during the day, and it was just overwhelming, completely overwhelming.
I'm just like, "Look, don't talk to me about it. You're not here. You're not dealing with this day in and day out. And you've probably forgotten all about the pain we caused you when we were infants, so, please, we know what we're doing, we're not going to do anything illegal, or anything that's going to hurt our child."
And really, those are the only experiences I've run across where people have been a little overzealous with their comments.
Wondertime: Are there any resources — Web sites or products or books — that you've found really helpful?
Jill would not sit in anything except my lap. I tried to put her in the bouncy seat without it bouncing, with it bouncing, with the vibration, everything. I tried to put her on the couch propped up with pillows. I tried her on the changing pad in the bassinette. I had to go buy a Moses basket. I tried her in the travel bed. I mean, we tried her in everything. We tried her in the low swing that swings forward to backward. She hated everything.
So after about four weeks, I finally flew down to Babies"R"Us one day and I bought the swing that swings forward, backward, and side to side, and I rushed home. I couldn't wait to put this thing together. I thought it would solve all of my problems.
I remember that day: I put the thing together, and I put it together backwards. I was literally sweating — I mean my shirt was wet. I couldn't get it together fast enough. She was crying, I was crying, and I put her in a baby sling, because I was able to get her to fall asleep in that a couple of times. So I put her in that, and I got her to sleep. I was trying to get it together before she woke up, and I got it together — and then it was backwards. And then she woke up.
Oh my God, it was a disaster. I was hysterical trying to put it together. And I finally got it right.
And she actually loved it, and till this day, I rock her side to side — I stand up and I sway my hips, swing my arms left to right, you know, right to left, back and forth like that — and that's the only way I can get her to go to sleep.
And she's getting to the point now where she doesn't nap in the swing so much, I'll put her in it and not even swing it anymore, but that was actually my savior.
That was really the only thing that she really enjoyed. And it was brief. Everything's been brief with her, for some reason. You know, two to three days. The side-to-side swing was the only thing that she's really taken a liking to for a longer period of time. But everything else was a couple of days, if anything. You'd put her in the car seat, and she'd scream bloody murder, from the time you put her in the car seat until you took her out.
And Maxwell and I would sit in the car, on the way — he goes to school two days a week for a couple of hours — she would scream bloody murder the whole time, back and forth, and we would talk over her.
Until 8 weeks, she finally stopped crying in the car seat, and we were talking, and all of a sudden I whispered, "Maxwell, Jill isn't crying!" And he goes, "Oh, my God!" and we were like "Yippee!" in the car. Finally we were able to have a conversation without yelling over her.
Now, you can set her in the car seat, and she's fine, she'll fall asleep in the car seat. But the minute it stops, she wakes up. And if she's awake in the car seat, she's quiet, until you stop at a stoplight or a stop sign, and then she'll scream until the car moves again. Yeah. It's bizarre.
Wondertime: You're trying to time it so you don't hit a red light ...
Oh, yeah. Or I tried pumping the brakes so the car kind of shakes. Yeah, that doesn't work either. She's like, "I know what you're doing, you're trying to fake me out. This is not a basketball game. Get the car moving, or we're gonna have a problem." I drove around the block one day, because I had gotten her to go to sleep in the car, and I thought, "Oh, this is great. I'll just drive her around the block."
But she started screaming bloody murder and I swear, there were people walking in our neighborhood that probably thought I was stalking them because I kept driving around. I called my husband, who had taken Maxwell out of the house because that was one of my breakdown days where I was just crying and thinking, "I'm never going to get through this. Why did I have a second child?" And he's like, "Just keep driving, she may fall asleep." I'm like, "She's not falling asleep," and I was hysterical. I finally had to just bring her home and sit on the couch and hold her. That was the only way she'd quiet down. So, it's been a rough two-and-a-half months, you know. But we have a sense of humor. We still have our sense of humor. You really have to.
I think my biggest, biggest issue I have is, I feel bad for her, I just feel bad for Maxwell because he experiences all of it, and he's been a really good sport, thankfully. You know, he could really have given us — I mean, he's given us a hard time, but he's been really understanding and sensitive to her problems and he's been really good with her. So, it's been a bonus in that respect.
Wondertime: Any words of wisdom for other mothers who are going through this?
I would just say to try to keep your sense of humor and your sense of perspective, because the reality is it could be so much worse. It really could. And it's hard to understand that when you're going through anything day by day.
Keep things in perspective, and lean on people that aren't going to judge you. Because there are days when you're going to, you know, "I wish I hadn't had a second child. I had it great with my first one." Or "God, I wish I weren't a mother." Anything that pops in to your head. Just try to find comfort in a few people that will understand you and not judge you.
And utilize your resources. I found out in my playgroup — and I've known these women for two years — that some of their kids had colic and acid reflux and milk allergies. They had a horrible, horrible, horrible time, and I never knew it. By the time we had all met, they had already gone through it, and it probably wasn't anything they wanted to talk about. And then when I experienced it they were like "Oh my God." They told me horror stories.
And really, Jill doesn't have it, in my opinion, as bad as some of the people I've spoken to. Granted, she's up all day, but she sleeps at night. And part of me wishes that it was the other way around, so I could spend more time with Maxwell during the day, but I also feel like I'm calmer about everything because I am getting my sleep at night. So it's kind of a catch-22, really.
But some of these women — I knew a woman whose son at 23 months old and still wasn't sleeping through the night. And I just can't imagine having a child that's not sleeping through the night at that age and still having problems.
So I always try to say, I have good days, and bad days where I get down, when I'm like, "This blows. Why was I dealt these cards?" But the reality is that you'll get through it, it'll go away, and there won't be any long-term damage, per se, and you just have to keep your chin up. It's hard, but there are so many other people who are worse off. So I just try to keep things in perspective, and try to vocalize my anger to somebody who's not going to think I'm crazy.
And just move on. It's better when you can get it out, too, instead of letting it fester. That's what I've found, for me.
